


Not Easy, But Worth It

by finereluctance



Category: The Night Shift (TV 2014)
Genre: 2x04 Shock to the Heart, Angst, Episode Tag, M/M, right in the feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-18 14:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3572840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finereluctance/pseuds/finereluctance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We're not the same people we were when we first met. I'm not the man you fell in love with. I'm not even a man I like right now." </p><p>Rick has something to say and Drew doesn't take the news well at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

***

“I’m moving out.”

Drew stopped mid-step, frozen midway around the gurney as he had attempted to catch Rick’s eye after his boyfriend turned away from him. His heart constricted tightly in his chest and with the weight of three little words, Drew felt his carefully built life crumble and collapse around him. He tried to breathe, but his lungs were as tight as his heart, a slow burn spreading through his chest as the need for oxygen nearly overwhelmed him at the same time he felt like he was being crushed. He couldn’t do anything, couldn’t react to the words that changed everything. Shock settled in and he couldn’t even blink away the tears that threatened to fall.

“Breathe, Drew,” Rick’s voice was soft compared to the words that had just stabbed him in the back. He reached out for the doctor and brushed his fingers over Drew’s arm, causing the younger man to flinch away.

He jerked away from his boyfriend’s touch like it burned. The concern was too much, he couldn’t handle it, not after the news he’d just been given. Stiffly Drew turned away, his shoulders squared as he left the room without a word. He needed to get away. He needed to breathe. He didn’t want anyone to see him cry.

Work wasn’t giving him that. A dislocated shoulder. A broken hip. The sick kid and his family. Breaking up a fight between Paul and some college kid. There was never a moment to step away. Rick’s words hung over his head for the rest of the shift: “I’m moving out.”

The words festered. Shifted. Changed. Became all the things Rick **didn’t** say. 

_You’re smothering me._

_I don’t love you anymore._

_Stop nagging me._

_You’re too much to deal with._

_I can’t be with you._

_You’re not worth loving._

_Leave me alone._

After the shift, Drew drank until the voices stopped.

***

Drew’s head throbbed something awful when he attempted to open his eyes. The sun was blinding and painful, his reactions sluggish when he brought his arm up to hide his eyes with a low groan.

“He lives.” Jordan’s voice was too chipper, too bright, and far too amused for the state of Drew’s brain.

“That’s an improvement.” TC’s drawl was identifiable immediately, even without seeing the older doctor.

It was Drew’s own personal hell. “Where’m I?” he slurred unintentionally, the darkness behind his closed eyelids swimming around him. “Wha’ happened?”

“You drowned yourself in jager,” TC explained. “Which means you probably succeeded because you only drink that shit when you want to blackout.”

Drew groaned, “Uggghhhh.” He remembered the jager, even if the rest of the morning was indistinct.

“Topher took you off the rotation tonight.” That was Jordan pressing two pills into his hand and a glass of water on the table next to him. “It’s 6:30 and you’re still drunk.”

It wasn’t worth arguing, he knew she was right. He was in no state to be on shift.

TC patted his arm gently. “Get some water and sober up before you head home. You need to talk to Rick.”

Rick. Drew’s stomach lurched at the reminder of last night, a dry heave that told him he must have emptied his stomach before he passed out. It still hurt and he groaned pitifully as he turned his face into the couch cushion, trying to will his body to settle.

“Don’t throw up on my furniture.” Jordan reminded him teasingly. “Bathroom is down the hall.”

He didn’t respond, just closed his eyes and silently begged his brain to forget about Rick for a few minutes. Just a few minutes of blissful silence… but no. The voice was back, stronger than it had been in the morning, echoing in his mind. “You’re not worth it.”

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drew has to go home sometime.

***

Drew passed out again after Jordan and TC left and slept until almost nine. He felt better when he woke up in the dark living room, at least physically. His head had stopped throbbing and the room didn’t spin when he opened his eyes, but his stomach was in knots. He felt gross, like there was a dirty pair of socks in his mouth, and he desperately needed a shower to rinse the stickiness of dried sweat from his body, but he needed to go home for that.

What was waiting for him at home? An empty apartment? Rick at home, but avoiding him? Would he be asleep in their bed? Would he have moved to a guest bedroom? 

Drew let the possibilities circle through his mind, uncertain as to which answer he truly preferred. An empty apartment would be heart-wrenching. Rick asleep in their bed paired with the knowledge he would be moving out soon was unthinkably painful. He didn’t want to find out, but he needed to know the truth.

The young doctor rubbed his hand over his face and dragged himself to his feet, his shoulders and neck popping from the position he’d slept in on the short sofa. Carefully he stretched, trying not to overexert himself and make himself sick until he felt well enough to search around for his keys and wallet, which he eventually found on the kitchen counter.

It was now or never, Drew knew. With a deep breath he picked up his keys and made sure Jordan’s door looked behind him. He was glad to see his truck in the driveway so he didn’t have to take a cab back to the bar, but every step he took towards the truck felt like he was getting close to the edge of a dark pit. Jordan must have been the one to drive his truck from the bar because the seats and mirror were all messed up so he had a few minutes of distraction as he adjusted the mirrors so he was comfortable driving, but soon enough he was on the road and headed towards home.

Or at least what was left of home. His trepidation grew when he turned into his complex and saw Rick’s truck parked in front of the apartment. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go inside. Not with Rick still there. He knew that the only man he’d ever loved would be leaving him, if not tonight than in the next day or two. How was he supposed to face that? What was he supposed to say? Was there anything **to** say?

He lost track of how long he’d been in the parking lot, his truck parked next to Rick’s, and his eyes fixed on the dim light that lit the living room blinds from the inside. Rick obviously hadn’t managed to change the light bulb. Five minutes, two hours, it was impossible to tell how long he sat there, but he couldn’t stay all night. Eventually he had to go inside. 

It took him at least another ten minutes to get out of the truck and make his way to the apartment door, his keys in hand, and he had to fight every instinct to turn tail and run. If he couldn’t face this, how could he be a Ranger? With a sigh Drew pushed the door open.

***

Rick looked up from his book, surprised to see Drew home at ten in the evening. “Hey Drew.” He was situated in the dimly-lit living room, legs stretched across the couch and propped up on a pillow. His prosthetic was beside him on the floor and there was an ice pack on his ankle. “I, uh, thought you were working tonight.”

Drew didn’t know what to say. How was he meant to respond to that? With a shrug he went into the kitchen for a bottle of water just to get away from the sight of his boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) looking perfectly at home in their apartment. _Their_ apartment. He wasn’t sure when it had become their apartment, but sometime in the last few months it had, and Drew wasn’t sure it could ever go back to being _his_ apartment. Not with all the memories he and Rick had there over the years.

“I’m just going to shower and go to bed.” Drew finally forced himself to speak as he hovered in the doorway to the living room, reluctant to go in even though it was the only way to the hall and the bedrooms. “It’ll be like I’m not here at all.”

“Drew, wait,” Rick’s voice sounded rough and scratchy, like it always did for an hour or so after he sucked Drew off. 

The doctor tried to force that thought from his mind. It was not the place or the time for those kinds of memories to surface. He looked across the room at the soldier he’d fallen in love with over the last decade and he could feel the tears threatening. “Why?” He’d tried for indifference, but all he could hear in his own voice was sadness. 

“I…” Rick looked down at the book in his lap, unable to look at him while he spoke. That hurt even more. “I’ll be leaving Sunday.”

Drew’s breath caught in his throat. Three days. He had to share his apartment with Rick for three days before he left him for good. How was he meant to survive three days if he couldn’t even manage to get into the apartment properly tonight? “Did you get your old place back?” he asked, both curious and just trying to make the moment less uncomfortable.

The soldier shook his head. “No… I’ll be leaving Texas.”

“Oh.” Drew’s heart dropped into his stomach. He wanted to ask where he was going, but he didn’t want to pry. If Rick wasn’t volunteering the information, then surely he didn’t want Drew to know. Had he messed up so badly that Rick was leaving without anything more than that? He thought he’d done everything right. He’d been patient, he had tried to give Rick space to adjust… but it clearly wasn’t enough.

_I don’t love you anymore._

_Stop trying to make everything better. You can’t._

The words flowed through Drew’s mind, unbidden, unhindered. He felt the tears well up, tears he’d managed to contain for the last 24 hours, but he couldn’t avoid it anymore. “Okay,” he whispered, his voice broken and wrecked, and without any other option he walked through the living room and straight to the bathroom. He kept the tears in check until he’d turned on the water for the shower and managed to strip off his clothes, but that was when any semblance of self-control failed him.

Drew stood beneath the shower head, the water so hot it turned his skin pink within seconds, and he finally let himself cry. His tears mixed with the water and steam that filled the shower stall and he leaned against the tiled wall with a quiet sob. He stayed that way, his body trembling with the force of his sobbing, until the water ran cold.

***


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They still don't talk about it before Rick leaves.

***

The water had long-since run cold before Drew turned off the shower, goosebumps covering his skin when he wrapped a towel around his waist and went through to the bedroom. He was exhausted after the few poor hours of alcohol-induced sleep and the heavy emotions had taken a toll on him physically. He toweled off quickly and tugged on a worn pair of sweatpants. They may have been Rick’s once upon a time, but Drew couldn’t even remember anymore.

There was a bottle of water and Tylenol on his bedside table, clearly left by Rick, but he was too tired to read much into it. He swallowed the pills and half the bottle before he sat on his side of the bed with his face buried in his hands to muffle a sigh. Exhausted though he was, sleep would not come easily since he was usually awake and working at that time of night.

“Drew,” Rick’s voice came from the doorway and drew his attention. He was leaning on a crutch, most of his weight on the prosthetic to keep it off his sprained ankle. “Can we talk?”

The doctor wanted to say no. He wanted to tell Rick to fuck off and leave him alone, but he could never say those words. Not to Rick. No matter what he did, Drew knew he’d never hold it against Rick. He gestured vaguely at the bed. “Sit down and get off your foot before you mess it up even more.”

There was a definite limp to his step when he crossed to the bed and sat down with a sigh. “I know. You don’t have to remind me.” With one sentence the tension was back, sitting there between them regardless of how patient Drew was or how much space he tried to give Rick. 

“Sorry.” Drew didn’t have much to say. Not without it turning into tears and begging Rick to stay.

“I didn’t want to tell you the way I did…” Rick trailed off. “I’m sorry I dropped that on you at the hospital.”

Drew shrugged. He couldn’t look at Rick, not when the older soldier was trying to justify leaving him.

They sat in silence for a while, both with their gazes fixed on the carpet, the wall, anything but each other. Time passed and neither of them spoke as the tension slowly melted away. For the first time since the accident it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence.

“Drew,” Rick whispered.

The doctor could hear the frustration and sadness in Rick’s voice when it cracked on his name. It hurt; it ate at Drew, the guilt, the knowledge that he couldn’t fix it and couldn’t make it work. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about it when he moved his hand between them, his palm up and fingers open. He didn’t dare hope that Rick would bridge the gap.

Again the silence stretched between them, the distance growing, until warm fingers brushed over Drew’s palm. Carefully, as if he wasn’t sure he still had the right to, Rick’s fingers filled the empty spaces between Drew’s. They curled around his and Drew’s fingers responded in kind, their hands clasped gently between their thighs on the bed. Neither spoke, neither could, not without breaking the small amount of comfort between them.

Drew inhaled sharply when his hand was drawn to his boyfriend’s (ex-boyfriend’s?) lap and held delicately between both of Rick’s rough, calloused hands. He held Drew’s hand as if it were a precious gift, something easily broken, and the gentleness was so far from the emotional push and pull they’d struggled with since the accident that Drew’s heart beat faster in his chest. This was the man he’d fallen in love with.

“Don’t,” Drew’s voice broke when Rick raised his hand to his lips to kiss it softly. “Please.” He couldn’t take the tenderness, not while knowing what was coming. His eyes were closed tight, he tried to find anger to push Rick away, but he couldn’t. The only feelings he had towards Rick were love and sorrow. Tears slipped from his eyes when the soldier touched his cheek and leaned close to press a kiss to his forehead. “I can’t…” Drew wanted to pull away but he could only lean into the touch, craving whatever tenderness Rick would offer.

He was gentle when he nudged Drew to lay back, the younger man following unspoken directions without resistance. “I love you,” the soldier murmured between kisses to Drew’s bare shoulder and chest. “I’ll always love you.”

Every touch was a slow torture to Drew’s senses, every word and every caress taking his heart apart, and when Rick finally pushed inside him, his tears were not the only ones to stain his skin. There were no words said afterwards, just two broken men clutched tightly in the arms of one another as they awaited the dawn.

Rick fell asleep just after four and Drew knew it was time to go. He couldn’t be there when Rick woke up. Carefully he extracted himself from his lover’s arms and slipped from the bed to retrieve his clothes. He dressed quietly and packed enough clothes to get him through the weekend. Drew hesitated at the door and watched Rick sleep for a long while, the soldier’s face relaxed in a rare, pain-free moment.

He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t be there to see Rick pack. He didn’t want to hear the excuses and explanations. The sun had peaked over the mountains when he finally left the apartment to head to Kenny’s.

***

A handwritten note on the counter was all that remained of Rick come Monday morning. It went unread for over a week as Drew worked himself to exhaustion, drank until he passed out, fucked any guy who was willing (boyfriend or not), and punched anyone who tried to interfere. It wasn’t healthy, and when Topher finally confronted him about it, he knew that he had to stop.

His nose was swollen, his belly full, and his head clear when he crashed on Topher’s couch that night, the envelope held between his hands. It was now or never.

_Drew,_

_I need you to know that the only reason I’m here right now is because of you. I was ready to die that day rather than lose my leg, but you wouldn’t let me. You had faith in me and you were strong for me when I was afraid, and I love you for that. I’ve been the problem since then._

_I don’t know who I am anymore. I was a soldier, I led men, I had a purpose in life. I could build things and do things without help or constant pain. Now, I can’t even change a light bulb without hurting my one foot. You’ve been so patient with me; no matter what crap I threw at you, you soldiered on. I couldn’t handle it anymore. You did nothing wrong, not a single thing. I need you to understand that, Drew. I know you, and I know you are blaming yourself, but you did **NOTHING** wrong. This mess, it’s all on me. I was afraid. I ~~was~~ am afraid that you only put up with me because you feel obligated to. I didn’t want to hold you to the promise you made at an extremely emotional moment in the hospital because I’m afraid you’ll resent me for it eventually. The stories I heard in group – I couldn’t bear to see that happen to us. I love you too much for that to happen, which is why I need to go._

_I need some time to work myself out. I need to figure out what I can still do. I need to make some major decisions about what direction my life is going, and I can’t ask you to derail your own life just because mine is a disaster. Disagree all you want, but I know you would have. I know **you**._

_I wanted to explain the other night, but I knew it was just hurting you more. I don’t want this to be goodbye. I don’t want this to be the end of us. All I’m asking is for some time to figure this out, to figure out my life, my head, and my new body. I don’t know how long this will take, and I can’t ask you to keep waiting for me, but I need you to know I still love you more than anything else in my life. I just want to be a man that deserves your love. Please give me this time and I’ll come back to you before it feels like any time has passed._

_I love you always,_   
_Rick_

_P.S. My phone and computer don’t really have access where I’m going, so I probably won’t get anything unless you send it via snail mail._

Drew wiped the trail of tears from his cheeks. He fucked up.

***


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drew writes a letter of his own.

_I just did everything right with Rick, I thought. I cared for him. I was patient. There was nothing else I could have done to make that work, and he still left me. He’s gone. Doesn’t return my phone calls or emails…”_

_P.S. My phone and computer don’t really have access where I’m going, so I probably won’t get anything unless you send it via snail mail._

***

Drew felt like an idiot. He was sick with the realization of just how badly he fucked up the last week and a half. How much of that pain and sorrow could have been spared if he’d just read the letter? If he hadn’t run away from Rick before Rick left him?

It certainly would have saved him a few IV bags of fluids and a bloody nose. Not to mention the guys… Drew fought the urge to retch as the guilt caused his stomach to churn. It he’d just read the damn letter rather than carry it around, he never would have slept with any of them.

He touched the address at the bottom of the letter. Pickwick Dam, Tennessee. Drew knew that Rick would be out at his grandfather’s cabin if he was in Pickwick. The address was a P.O. Box in town because even the post office didn’t deliver to the more remote cabins. There was no way Rick would have internet or cell signal if the cabin didn’t even have electricity.

It had been nearly two years since the last time they had been to the cabin together, but Drew couldn’t imagine anyone had brought the old cabin into the modern age. That was part of the appeal, Drew liked to think. It was a step back in time to a life when things were simpler: fishing half the day, chopping firewood for heat and cooking, a quiet night under the stars. A walk through the town where everyone had known Rick his entire life, and his family since before the world wars. If Rick was going to figure himself out, Pickwick was the place to do it.

Unable to sleep in the late morning as his mind raced with ‘what ifs,’ Drew dug out a pad of paper and a pen. Nothing would calm his thoughts unless he got them out.

 _Rick, ~~my love~~_ He crossed out what he had written with a blush. It was far too sappy and he had no right to use such an endearment after sleeping around.

_I hope you’re settled in Pickwick by now. Knowing you, I’d bet you’re loving the small town. I’m sorry I took off without letting you say your piece - I was angry, and if I’m honest, scared._

_I’m still afraid. Every day you’re away I think about you, and I’m so scared you’ll change your mind and you won’t come home. Especially after my behavior of the last couple weeks, I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me and changed your mind about loving me. I didn’t read your letter, not until today (after a swift kick in the ass from Topher), and I hate how I let the hurt and anger control me since you left. I drank too much, I slept around, and every minute I hated it and hated myself for doing it. I still don’t know if I was doing it to make myself feel better, or doing it to hurt you, but after reading your letter I feel like the world’s biggest jackass._

_I know this wasn’t meant to be about me, and I’m a selfish asshole for making it, but I needed to tell you. I’ve always needed to tell you, because I’d never forgive myself if I drove you away by lying or hiding any truth from you. I don’t want to be my father and I refuse to treat you the way he treated my mother. All of which you know already, but that doesn’t make it any less true._

_I miss having you close - it’s worse than ever because the apartment smells so much like you and everything in the kitchen was moved so I can’t find anything. Sometimes I think you did that on purpose._

_How is Pickwick? I assume by now you’ve seen your grandpa, but give him my best the next time you visit. Did I tell you he spent twenty minutes telling me about the old ladies in his home the last time we talked? In his words, “I’m 98, not dead! I’ve still got the war stories working in my favor.” I swear, Rick, he is still getting women with his stories of the 107th. It’s been **sixty years**. How is that even possible?_

Drew paused, his pen hovered above the page, and looked at all he had written. It was word vomit, really, disjointed and hard to follow, but it was his next thought that had given him pause.

_In sixty years, I want to be sitting next to you, not chasing the attention of younger guys with my war stories._

He’d never really thought that far into the future before, but the truth was he couldn’t imagine it without Rick at his side. If the last week was anything to go by, he really didn’t know how to be without him.

Rick had found him and pursued him through basic, had been more than willing to follow Drew deep into the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ closet, and had convinced Drew that what they had was far more than a casual fuck. He’d been Drew’s first real love, the only one he ever wanted, and it had ripped his heart out when Rick left.

He tried to explain it to Topher over breakfast - how was he supposed to stand when the ground beneath his feet disappeared unexpectedly? He couldn’t distinguish up from down in the week since Rick left; he was drowning until he’d read Rick’s letter. Suddenly there was soft sand beneath his knees - something to kneel on even if he couldn’t stand yet. Something he could hold onto while Rick found his own footing again. The older soldier had always been Drew’s rock, his anchor, but it was his turn to be strong and be the support for the man he loves.

_If that means I need to give you space and wait for you to come home, then I will. Take the time you need, do what you need to, but know that **you** are everything to me. If you would let me I’d be at your side so we can do this together, but I understand why you need to do it on your own. I hope you know you are never alone because I love you more than anything in this world._

_Be safe out in Pickwick. I’ll be waiting whenever you are ready._

_Love always,  
Drew_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't entirely happy with this chapter, but I wanted to get it posted before I left for the weekend. Next chapter should be up Wednesday since it's partially written already :D


End file.
